TootsieRolls, Snowshoes, and Grace

Heart Burn

2011-04-17T08:33:00.004-06:00

I have a good excuse. Really, I do!

Being in graduate school, I've been using up my daily allotment of words by around 3pm. I just don't have any left to put in this blog. Well, I found an old stash of words buried behind some old books in the attic and thought that they could be used here.

In four weeks I will have completed all the requirements for my Master's degree. With a long road still to go, being able to look back and see how far I've come empowers me to keep moving forward. The more I learn about School Psychology and the students that populate our schools, the more I am convinced that I was made for this. That's a good feeling.

Allie and I were recently talking about all that has happened the last two years and how we got here. We agreed that we are driven by a persistent, gnawing, and haunting desire to live with brutal commitment to never settle for "good enough" as we stumble down the path God is leading us. I believe that there is a fire that burns within the heart of every man/woman. Most think the answer to heart-burn is to anesthetize themselves into thinking their life is "ok." We can either zantac our hearts into submission, or we can let the fire burn with a blaze that motivates us to move, change, act, laugh, cry, and ultimately raise our hands in surrender.

What makes your heart burn?

You Are a Tourist
"When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow
Let it grow
And there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

When there's a doubt in your mind
'Cos you think it all the time
Framin' rights into wrongs
Move along
Move along
When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Oh, there's nothing to fear
Save the tears
Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then, it's time to go
And you find your destination with so many different places to call home
Cos' when you find yourself a villain,
In the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions
Are in need of redemptions
Would you agree
If so, please show me
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)"
-- Death Cab for Cutie

Some Tough Days

2010-09-07T19:16:00.005-06:00

**Sigh**

You know those days when you wish God would stoop down and just give you a big bear hug? Allie and I could use a big hug right about now. We have been persevering though some strange and difficult situations recently and would greatly appreciate a respite. It's not that EVERYTHING is going wrongly. Of course things can always be worse off than they are. I guess we're just pushing through a nasty part of this adventure.

1) The death of childhood dreams.
I think that every child has idilic visions of the future full of cozy Christmases at the grandparents', camping trips with cousins, and family reunion flag football feuds. When the reality of life buries those dreams under piles of steaming anger, mistakes, and good intentions all that remains of those once pleasant hopes are feelings of what might have been. Allie and I are still trying to figure out how to cope with and rise above my parents imminent divorce which has effectively served to divorce the entire family from one other. It's discouraging and exhausting.

2) The struggle with a strange illness.
After a great summer working at Summer Fenn, the summer camp program of The Fenn School, I was bitten by a tick and ended up contracting Lyme Disease. Four doctors, two visits to the ER, a spinal tap, CT scan and several bottles of ibuprofen later, I am finally feeling on the mend. Right now, all that remains are some occasionally achy joints. However, this is still a little-known disease and doctors have not been able to give us a very consistent prognosis for the future. I know this has weighed heavily on Allie.

3) Chloe.
Our little cat, the other love of Allie's life was hit by a car (this last weekend) as she tried to run back across the road. Thankfully, she was not killed. Rather, she suffered a severely broken hip. The vet decided that surgery was not a good idea due to her small size and the location of the break. So, we have brought Chloe home with hopes that her injuries will heal appropriately on their own. The vet assured us that she'll be able to walk and maybe even run after she heals, so hopefully our little fighter will continue to amaze us all.

So, if you remember, please pray for the Stoddard/Provost household. I'm trying not to sound too despondent or complain too much. It's just life right now. God is good, and we know that. And we sure could use a hug.

A Light in a Dark Place

2010-06-17T08:53:00.010-06:00

Last weekend was the annual Gym Show at Planet Gymnastics, the gym where Allie's been the Preschool Director/Special Events Director/Camp Director/Personal Coach/Interventionist/Counselor/Planner/Employee Extraordinaire.

The Gym Show is simply a short program providing the kids a chance to show their parents everything they've learned from their coaches. I snuck in and took a couple of photos at two shows. What they reveal is something incredible:

Allie's last several months at the gym have been incredibly trying. Very few people would stand strong in the midst of all that she has been enduring. The trials and struggles at the gym came to a head the weekend of the Show. Anyone of lesser quality would have simply gone through the motions and done their duty, but not my wife. Her acceptance and continual encouragement of the kids put in her charge was reflected on the faces of the kids as she helped them all through their routines. I was awestruck by her love, strength, and Christlikeness.

I can remember very few moments that I saw Jesus being tangibly reflected in someone's life. I suppose that we all have moments of kindness as we stop for someone crossing the street or say a nice word to someone in the checkout line, but to live out Christlike love and grace in the face of incredible opposition is something else altogether. Allie showed me what that looks like last weekend.

It's something that I will never forget and always admire.

A Church Saga Part 1 (Written One Year Ago)

2010-06-08T13:24:00.002-06:00

It’s now 10:29am on a Friday in June. I am still attempting to come to grips with my current disillusionment with the church. Alarmingly, I have felt my anger towards God’s people turn to an anger directed to God Himself. I see and hear “Christians” treating others with blatant disregard for the Name they carry and I am angry. I am angry that God does not smack His people up-side the head and tell them they are making a mess out of Life. I am angry at the lack of grace. I am angry at the religiosity. I am angry that I used to be so prideful in my representing of Jesus Christ.

Jesus did not command us to go into the world stingy with love, grace, acceptance, and gentleness. Jesus Christ, the King of the Universe and Lover of mankind desires that His people live with extravagant grace! Sadly, we have set a guardrail of religiosity around our lives keeping us safe from things that make us uncomfortable. The irony here is incredible! The Freedom revealed for us, as Followers of Jesus, has become a stain-glass prison. With our lists of does and don’ts, committees, and aimless traditions, it is no wonder “outsiders” have no interest walking through the doors of a limiting and restraining idea such as Christianity.

We’ve got it all backwards. We should not ask people to come to church. The onus is on us to go to them! If others see Jesus’ people coming to them with open arms, engaging them on their turf, not attempting to reform them or change their behavior, the foundation of the gospel becomes realized once again. Isn’t that what Jesus did? Jesus walked through the red-light districts of His day with open arms and a smile on his face. Jesus ate dinner in the homes of “mob bosses.” When the people did come to him, he loved them even when they cut a hole in the roof of his house.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a church meeting in Sonny’s Bar? Not a church preaching sobriety or one that rents out the space for a worship service, but a group of Believers willing to rub shoulders with the hurting, confused, and tired. Can you see it? Sadly, most cannot and will not entertain an idea of the church existing beyond the steeple.

Memory That Makes Me Smile.

2010-05-16T20:53:00.004-06:00

Enjoy! ...and go to Maui someday. You will not regret it.

Heroes

2010-05-11T13:54:00.003-06:00

So I was going through some old talks I had given to a crowed of Middle Schoolers some time ago, and realized that they weren't doing any good stuffed in a file. I hope this encourages you in some way today -- even if just a little.

Heroes: people who that by their choices and actions guide us in the dark nights, the wind at our backs, whose courage shows us the way in which we should go.

From a young age, we all understand that "heroes" are people with extraordinary ability. In fact, they may not even be human! Superman, Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk, even sports figures all maintain a mystical unapproachableness to their heroism. We like them, but we lose heart in thinking, "I could never be like them. I wish I could, but I can't."

Why do we want to be a hero?

We desire to conquer difficult situations effortlessly. We long to be noticed. We want to be seen as strong, not wimpy. I bet you never heard of super heroes named Super Loser, The Incredible Pansy, or Mr. I Don't Remember Anything. Everyone wants to be significant – to do something no one else could do.

In actuality, our true heroes were, and are people just like you and me, normal people. They understand that God had something important for them to do that no one else could do. And they did it, no matter how weird it seemed. They are the Ordinary People Doing Extraordinary Things.

If you've paid attention in Sunday school, then you have heard of Noah. Noah and the Ark. Everything from The Flood to animals coming into the boat two-by-two, we've all heard of this guy from days long forgotten who built a big boat. I won't retell the whole story here (watch Evan Almighty if you're still curious) but what I will tell you is that God had a crazy plan for Noah. God's plan for Noah had three parts: to be a right-doing man (righteous), to save mankind, and to live out his dream.

WHAT? "Live out his dream!?" You're telling me that it was Noah's dream to build the Ark?

Why not? Noah was a man. He probably loved working with his land, building things. He'd probably seen little boats used to catch fish in the rivers. If he was anything like me, or maybe you, he might of had a crazy idea to build a HUGE boat, a boat bigger than anyone ever built. Can you picture this old geezer in your head surrounded with how-to books about building boats (ok, so maybe there wasn't Boat Building for Idiots back then, but work with me here)? He probably didn't tell anyone of his crazy dream, knowing that they'd laugh at him. But God knew of this man's dream.

That is the cool thing about following God. When you are putting Him first and make it a priority to love Him with your life, then your dreams will be in line with what God wants for you to do. It's SOOO cool! That crazy idea floating around in your mind and heart may actually be exactly what God wants you to do!

God ended up using Noah's crazy dream to save the world from total annihilation. God used Noah to do something heroic. Movies are still being made about him after thousands of years. Something tells me no one is going to remember Superman or Spiderman in a thousand years.

So here is my charge to you, oh reader.

1) Don't Be Lazy! You have a dream. Don't let the fact that it seems far down the road or impossible, lead you to not doing anything at all! You were not designed to sit around playing video games all day. You were made for greatness! Go!

2) Imitate Godly People: People in the Bible and people around you live heroic lives. They have followed God and become heroes by living out their faith.

3) Be Patient with Yourself: It took Noah 100 years to build that boat. Noah didn't know how to a build a boat. He had to learn! He probably make tons of mistakes, smashed his thumb with a hammer and cussed under his breath. He probably got impatient with how long it was taking, but he kept at it. He did not give up on God or himself. So, be patient with yourself! Do well what is laid before you. God will use you like you never thought possible.

No, We Are Not Dead!!!

2010-03-27T03:42:00.007-06:00

Allie and I are very much alive and well. We have endevoured to be more consistent with this blog, but we are forever putting it aside. For that, we appologize. So, here is the long awaited update...at last.

Much as happened since our last post. We survived our first New England winter together.
Sadly, we did not get out to enjoy the snow as much as we would have liked, but Allie and I did get to enjoy a little snowshoeing in New Hampshire. As much as we both like the snow and the novelty of fires in the wood stove, we both grew tired of constant coldness, dead grass, and snow that looked like mashed up oreo

cookies. So, on little more than a whim, we decided to throw caution to the wind and visit the far-off land of Maui in February. We had saved a little travel cash and with Allie's amazing deal-finding, we enjoyed an amazing time in the tropics. Our only dislike was that we had to return to the tail end of a Massachuetts winter. For more pictures of our trip, visit either one of our Facebook pages.

During the winter, I (Chris) had applied to a graduate school here in the Boston area. From taking the GRE (God thought it would be a good idea to give me a stomach bug on test day. I did not think that was very funny.), to writing three admissions essays, to praying daily that God would look favourably upon my attempts at advancing toward our goals, it was a trying couple of months. With great happiness, on March 17th, I received notice that I had been accepted! Talk about relief! I will be starting on my Master's in School Psychology this Fall at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology. In the meantime, I will be working for the US Census as an Enumerator (going door to door to the homes who did not return their census form in the mail), and for a summer camp (Summer Fenn) in their Adventure Program.

In the midst of grad school prep, Allie has continued to work hard at Planet Gymnastics and on her parents' house on her days "off." She has an amazing gift for designing aesthetically pleasing spaces that are both peaceful and beautiful.

Though moments of this last year have been difficult and trying, Allie and I are all the more convinced that this is right where we are supposed to be. God has continued to prove Himself to us as both faithful and full of grace. We often feel that we do not know how we are going to accomplish what God has put in front of us, but with confidence in each other and our King, we move forward.

It's an adventure, isn't it?

Jesus Trees and Kayaks

2009-07-26T15:46:00.018-06:00

No, we haven't disappeared. Allie and I are still very much alive and well.

Both of us are working lots: Allie is continuing to coordinate the summer program at Planet Gymnastics – all the kids love her! I am working for The Home for Little Wanderers in a program that helps older teens transition out of residential care into the "real world." Neither of our jobs are ideal but we are slowly learning what it means to wait and persevere.

I am also taking some classes at Tufts University in preparation for starting grad school next year. It has been good getting back into the swing of studying as I dive into Counseling Psychology. Having learned tons, I am excited for our future of helping others!

When we aren't working, studying, or working on the house (still coming along, but still a ways to go), we have been having a lot of fun kayaking and biking with Allie's parents.
Here we are enjoying the sun on the Assabet River in Maynard, MA.
Though some of the transition to living in MA has been difficult, Allie and I are faithfully moving forward. Though we often have unanswered questions and are impatient, we are enjoying this adventure.We would love to hear from friends back in CO, or anywhere else for that matter! We miss you all and hope that you continue to be amazed by the adventure God has you on.

The Dusty College Student

2009-05-20T07:21:00.004-06:00

Warning!!!!! New symptoms of the terrible and deadly swine flue have been discovered in Massachusetts. In addition to all "normal" flue symptoms, a New England man exhibited strange paling of skin and raccoon type de-evolution. These new symptoms have not been recorded anywhere else, and can be easily mistaken for drywall-sanding-aftermath.

Ok, so maybe I don't have Swine Flue but Allie and I have been experiencing the wonderful and diverse pleasures of drywalling. Our project has consumed 12 sheets of 1/2" drywall, a 5 gallon bucket of mud, numerous rolls of tape, 7 lbs of screws, and 39 boxes of kleenex – thanks to a very vindictive case of seasonal allergies. Ah, the joys of DIYing. (We'll soon post more pics of the finished project).

In addition to all our drywalling fun, I (Chris) have just enrolled in summer classes at Tufts University. During the next 12 weeks I'll be taking Intro to Psych and Abnormal Psych in preparation for applying to a Master's program. I never thought that I'd be returning to school, but after much encouragement and reassuring from Allie I am pushing onward.

I did hear back from The Home for Little Wanderers, and they offered me a job...yay! I am still waiting to receive the go-ahead from their background checks, so I haven't oficially started yet. My shift will most likely be 3-11 pm (my class(es) are from 10am-12:30pm, so I can work and do school. Nice, thanks Lord). So starting in the next couple of days (or weeks, who knows on these things) I'll be taking classes three days a week and comuting down to Plymouth, MA for work.

Allie is still plugging away at the gym. She has had the wonderful and stimulating honor of putting together the staff schedule for the entire summer. I will liken this task to being a baseball umpire: most try to find fault, nobody is happy, and when you do it right nobody seems to notice. Her sacrifices and patience to provide us with some income are humbling to me.

Mom and Dad P. have been incredible over the last two months. In addition to allowing us to make dusty messes all over the place, they have both gone out of their way to make us feel welcome and loved. Thanks mom and dad!

So there you have it. We miss all you people back in Colorado. Forgive us (by that I mean me) for not staying in better touch; it's been a little crazy around here. But know that we love you all and do think of you a lot!

School and Work

2009-05-01T08:48:00.006-06:00

Here is a short update regarding our search for job(s) and graduate schools.

Allie and I drove down to Plymouth, MA on Monday for an interview with The Baird Center, a residential home for boys operated by The Home for Little Wanderers. The Home is highly regarded in the area and has been helping kids and families since 1799! The Baird Center houses 25-30 boys ages 11-17. I interviewed for a counseling position that I hope will turn into more of a programming or activities directing position. I feel that this would be a great place to work and I am excited about the possibilities it presents, but it would require that I commute an hour and half each way. So please pray that The Center would recognize my talents and abilities, and pray that Allie and I would approach this decision with wisdom and discernment.

On Wednesday, I (Chris) braved the MBTA (Metro Boston Transportation Authority) in all its glory for a meeting with the head of admissions at MSPP (Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology). They are my first choice for pursuing an MA in Counseling Psychology. They are a small school with a very relational approach, which is attractive to Allie and me. However, due to the fact that I do not have any Psychology classes on my transcript I will most likely be taking three classes this summer at a local college. So, I will begin studying for the GRE (ugh!!), take those classes, and apply at MSPP for the Fall of 2010.

Since I am not working yet, Allie graciously accepted a position directing the Summer program at the gym where she has been previously employed. The owner of the gym was so glad to have Allie back, that she immediately gave Allie a ton of things to do! Besides planning the summer programming, Allie was tasked with staff scheduling, completing all the advertising and promotional postcards, firing old staff and hiring new, and still working on the gym floor. Though she received a lot of responsibility in a very short ammount of time, she is tackling the challenge and excelling.

In the midst of all this, we have also been helping Allie's parents with an extensive home renovation project. The list of projects includes, but is not limited to: 1) Reroofing the House 2) Installing eight new skylights 3) Remodeling both bathrooms 4) Painting all interior walls 5) Installing new floor in the attic 6) Laying new flooring throughout 7) Building a new wall and closet in one of the bedrooms 8) Refurbishing the chimney 9) Restructuring the old detached garage – new supports, new roof, new siding 10) Installing new shelving and storage on the main level. Whew!!!

So that's what the Stoddards have been up to. We do greatly miss all our Colorado friends. Please feel free to call us anytime, or even come for a visit! Just be warned, if you come within the next month or so, you'll most likely be sleeping on that pile of drywall sitting in our room. :)

Milk and Coffee

2009-04-22T10:00:00.006-06:00

So I was doing some thinking this morning. I have been arguing with God about how He is directing and teaching me. Let's just say that it's not how I would be doing it. I do not like the fact that I am jobless and am finding out that my path to graduate school will be a tad harder than I had anticipated. It seems that what I am doing instead is mundane and, well, slow.

I recently found this photo of something strikingly beautiful and different. At first glance, you'd think that it was a strange kind of mushroom or a highly scientific reaction finally revealed for mankind to behold. But it is simply a drop of milk dropping into a cup of coffee.

Slowed way down, a very simple and mundane occurance becomes surprisingly beautiful and complex.

I think that is what God is doing with me. He is slowing me way down, allowing me to see that what He is doing in me is not a waste of time, but is actually a complex development of character driven by His awesome purpose for me. I'd much rather get on with enjoying the taste of the coffee and milk, but God wants me to see the beauty in one drop of white on brown.

So enjoy your milk and coffee knowing that God is doing something in you which is simple yet complex, mundane yet beautiful, and pretty darn yummy.

Much awaited update from Chris and Allie in Boston!!!

2009-03-31T20:29:00.004-06:00

Due to many requests, I have decided to take a writing breather and give our Colorado following an update =). First of all, Chris and I want you all to know that WE MISS YOU!!! We miss dinner fun with friends, rock band, beer, laughs, hide & seek . . . =(. But our move to Boston has shown to be just the thing we needed to move forward as God has called us to. We have moved into my parents' house here - a 100+ year old country colonial in the Northern suburbs of Boston. With my mom's massage career taking off and my dad busy with new church commitments though, the house itself had become cluttered and in need of some TLC. That is where Chris and I come in.

We have been working our way through piles and boxes and bins of clutter, helping my parents simplify their home and helping them find skilled help to make their home renovation dreams a reality. Finding a good carpenter, mason, roofer, etc, was very time consuming! In the end, the Lord brought the people we chose to us and that was clear. All believers (rare in this area) and one father-son team (Chris and Chris) have hired my Chris to help with the roofing & siding since he is not working. Pretty cool we think! This project has been hard & overwhelming at times, but incredibly fun for me overall. I quite like organizing & categorizing and have loved the challenge of marrying aesthetics & functionality into this space. Chris and I couldn't have more enthusiastic and appreciative "clients" in my parents, so that makes it fun too!

Aside from some basketball playing, hiking, biking and rollerblading - this home project is pretty much all we have done for the last three weeks. In that time Chris has also applied to probably 20 jobs and interviewed at one. We are trusting in the Lord's timing and trying to enjoy our bonus time together in the meantime. It helps a lot to have the house to work on because Chris and I feel like we are going to "work" together everyday - a dream of ours anyway =). Thanks to all who have been thinking of us, praying for us, and even calling us on occasion. We love you and miss you, but thank you for your support and we have followed God's leading to this next adventure!

It just keeps on coming!

2009-02-15T09:09:00.016-07:00

This is just a note to state how lavish God's love of us can be sometimes . . . okay, all the time. Our deal is that we are only aware of it some of the time. This is one of those times where I am aware of it, seeing it, feeling it all over the place. In addition to Chris' last entry about how amazingly gracious God has been to Chris and I over this whole house selling process, I have more to add. Our move-out on Friday went amazingly well. We loaded up 117 boxes into Chris' dad's truck and trailer and brought them down to the ABF terminal to be shipped to Boston on one of their freight trucks. We had reserved 8' of space, but fit everything into 5' - saving us $450!! Thanks to Ryan and Jeff's help, the whole thing was done by noon and without too much sweat lost. (Here we are with our packed goods).
To top off the day, our realtor called us that evening to let us know that she and the buyer's realtor had crunched the final numbers and Chris and I were going to owe $1500 less than she had originally estimated! Now we owe almost exactly what our tax return will cover. Since we filed early, we received the refund this past Friday - just in time for our closing next Friday. It is so amazingly wonderful how all of the timing and finances have worked out in our favor that I know of only One who could have orchestrated it all. He loves us. He loves all of us . . . and if we let Him, LET HIM, He lavishes love on us more broadly, deeply and elaborately than we could have ever dreamed of or expected.

Does this mean that when things are not "going in our favor" that He is not loving us? No. I am not saying this at all. It means that He is trying to get us to go another way. Chris and I wanted to sell this house so badly last summer. We put it on the market in late March, thinking it would sell by June, and . . . nothing. Our plans to leave Colorado Springs by August were dashed, we felt let down by the Lord, and we felt that we had misunderstood His will for us. Not at all. We had just imposed a timing on it that was not His. So we prayed, we waited and we planned to be ready so that when He revealed His timing, we could follow. When I was spontaneously let go from my job 3 weeks before Christmas, Chris and I did not wallow. We did not sit and pout about finances and the timing of the loss. We simply put the plans that God had revealed to us before into action by preparing the house to go on the market again and making arrangements to move to Boston - this time whether the house sold or not. We knew the plans, and He had revealed the timing.

Start to finish - now spanning a year from the plan's revelation to its completion - this has been an experience that I would not have planned for myself, but one that I would now not trade for anything else in the world. Hard at times. Exhausting at times. Amazing in the end.

The Big Picture

2009-02-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

This was recommended to me by a friend today. All I've gotta say is...wow. Enjoy.

The Stoddard House

2009-02-05T09:59:00.005-07:00

In the midst of a "failing economy" and rising unemployment, God is sovereign. Of that I am certain. If you have been following along with Allie and me as we attempt to figure out where we are going and what we are to be doing, we have had many questions. I have often felt that God is silent, unwilling to offer any sort of help along the way. But in the swill of uncertainty, we have kept moving forward – trusting God that He knows what He is doing.

Allie and I have known that we should be moving to the East coast. We have tried on two separate occasions to sell our house (pictured at left). Each time, we tried to use the house as a fleece, divining whether or not we were to leave Colorado. Nothing happened. We were frustrated.

In December, Allie lost her job. At that point, after a lot of praying, we decided that it was time to take a "step of faith." We knew that God was leading us to Boston, so we decided that no matter what happened with the house we would go. So we started the long process of staging the house, listing the house, showing the house, and hopefully selling the house. With the help of an amazing and godly woman leading us through the murky maze of real estate, we embarked on this daunting and overwhelming task. Each step of the way we heard horror stories of homes being foreclosed upon, homes staying on the market for months and even years. We were prepared for the worst.

January 5th, our house went on the market. We had given the house to God, to do with as He saw fit. If He chose to never sell our house, we were ok with that. But we were set to leave. Ten days later, we had an offer on the house. Not only was a family interested, but they were willing to give us our full asking price. Not only were they willing to meet our price, but they wanted most of our furniture (which we really did not want to have to move). Not only were they blessed by our "stuff," but their appraisal came back at our exact asking price. Not only did we sell our house, but we were able to bless a family in need.

Our broker is amazed. There is not one single explanation for the successful sale of our home on this level. It should not have happened.

So Allie and I stand before our King with caloused knees and thankful hearts. The future may be an uncertainty, but His care of the righteous is as sure as the sunrise. Amazement does not even begin to describe the awe that Allie and I feel in response to this incredible display of grace. So if you doubt God's sovereignty in this time of fear, simply remember the Stoddard house. God cares about the little things. God cares, period.

So take heart, beloved. You may waiver in your trust of His Plan, but that will not change His willingness to overwhelm you with grace.

I think I'm going to be smiling all day today.

Holy Crap!!

2008-12-22T14:16:00.004-07:00

I've just finished a little book that caught me utterly by surprise. For those who have the privilege of being around me regularly (ok, no scoffs folks) they have heard me talk non-stop about this book with a catchy title.

No, the book is not a permissive book that gives the thumbs up to handing your beer to your arresting officer. Rather, this revelation of the grittiness of grace is an exhortation to live boldly.

Personally, I have fallen into the slough that characterizes grace as simply a religious catch-word adorning church kiosks. And, no, grace is not just what those ice dancers attempt to personify. Grace is so much more.

Cathleen Falsani's book courageously tells short stories of one person's "run-ins" with grace. Grace, Mrs. Falsani points out, is something "you cannot neatly package. It's somebody throwing their arms around you and saying, 'I love you, but you're an asshole.' Yes, you're my asshole, I envision God saying."

Now, that's refreshing.

Grace and Truth...A Thanksgiving Thought

2008-11-21T11:32:00.002-07:00

We all know that there are certain things that, as Followers of Jesus Christ, we cannot and should not do. We grow up in church hearing, “Don’t do that! It’s bad! Jesus wouldn’t want you to do that. What would Jesus do?” More times than not, as a child, I was left feeling helpless and angry at myself and others knowing that I would still fail. I was a bad Christian.

We carry around a self-conscience guilt stemming from a belief that we are failing God when we fall. We think that God is disappointed, frustrated, or angry with us when we screw up. I’m beginning to understand that God is much bigger than our feeble attempts at righteousness (Romans 9:16). Remember, He knows us better than we know ourselves; He is not surprised when we choose sin. He understands the depth of our depravity; He is not frustrated with our lack of faithfulness (Romans 3:3). When that is understood, it can be tempting to approach life with reckless disregard for “doing what is good” (Titus 2:14). I challenge that whomever thinks that way does not understand the saving Work of Jesus.

There are many verses in Scripture that encourage and command us to live our lives distinct from the ways of those around us. We are told that we are the “light of the world.” We know that we need to be “good” people. But that collides with what we are taught in Sunday school. We are told over and over and over that we are sinful people. A mindset of uselessness and unworth is hammered into our minds to make us understand what Jesus did for us. But He died and rose from the dead so that we would not have to be constantly reminded of our short comings. He set us free! That should motivate us to live differently. Our motivation to live rightly should not stem from guilt or regret. Our constant desire to do good should be the result of overwhelming thankfulness to God for what He did for us. That is what I want to think about this Thanksgiving.

Have a great holiday!!

Love it!

2008-11-03T10:12:00.003-07:00

Just wanted to post a quick note about rediculousness. Chris and I have been friends with our next door neighbors for over a year now, we are both Christians and in the times we have had dinner together, noticed that they were more 'conservative' in the way they follow Christ than we are, but have enjoyed much common ground none-the-less. We found their limitation on love the other day though, by accident. Our neighbor came over o bring us baked goods, as she had done many times, and saw that we were supporting Barak Obama. This effectively ended our friendship with her. She basically 'told us off' over our decision and clearly expressed her disapproval of us.

What do I say? Oh well. It is a bummer that their love for us is that shallow, but that is just what happens when you love people for what they do or who they appear to be, rather then for who they are. Chris and I are who we are and we make no apologies. Our savior is proud of us and that is all we need. We love people who are different than us, whose faith looks different than ours, and refuse to love the people in our lives with strings attached. After that confrontation with our neighbor, we realized that they were unable to love us in our differences from them. In fact, we realized that we could count on 2 hands the people in our lives who do love us, not for who they would make us to be, but for who we are. To those people, thank you. We appreciate that you are willing to live counter-culturally and love like Jesus did: without petty boundaries and concern for appearances.

Vote Barack Obama . . . here's why:

2008-08-25T11:27:00.002-06:00

Hi friends and family!

The upcoming election has been weighing heavily on my mind because of my deep desire for change for this country. I hate where we are at and I hate what we have become over the Bush years. After reading this disgusting article in the Gazette yesterday titled: "A Democrat's guide to Colorado Springs" I felt ashamed of this city that I live in.

http://www.gazette.com/articles/county_39694___article.html/springs_colorado.html

I felt ashamed that so many claim to be a Christian here yet I seldom see any traces of Christ in their words or behavior. This article is representative of the majority view here, but that is so sad to me. It has been so hard to watch the direction that this city and our country have taken over these last few years and I feel that we simply cannot continue down this path of selfish, shortsighted consumerism and expect to be relevant in the world around us in a way that would reflect Christ.

As you debate and decide who to vote for, I want to challenge you not to just vote republican because it is "the good Christian thing to do" but to actually think about your vote and what it means for our country.

Here is an article that Chris found about Barack Obama, who is also a Christian. Please give it a read and consider that he might just be the change this country needs.

http://www.barackobama.com/2006/06/28/call_to_renewal_keynote_address.php.

In the face of a city that champions conservatism above anything else, including behaving in a Christ-like way, I will be voting for Barack Obama and hoping for Christ-like radical and liberal change - because, after-all, Jesus was a radical and a liberal! Amen!

That's all, thanks for reading my thoughts!

August Thoughts . . .

2008-08-21T10:47:00.004-06:00

Chris sent me an e-mail about the My Utmost for His Highest this morning and I found, upon reading it, that I could breathe deeply again. I felt a great relief as these words sunk into every area of my brain. Here's what I read:

August 21st.

THE MINISTRY OF THE UNNOTICED

"Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3

The New Testament notices things which from our standards do not seem to count. "Blessed are the poor in spirit," literally - Blessed are the paupers - an exceedingly commonplace thing! The preaching of to-day is apt to emphasize strength of will, beauty of character - the things that are easily noticed. The phrase we hear so often, Decide for Christ, is an emphasis on something Our Lord never trusted. He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him - a very different thing. At the basis of Jesus Christ's Kingdom is the unaffected loveliness of the commonplace. The thing I am blessed in is my poverty. If I know I have no strength of will, no nobility of disposition, then Jesus says - Blessed are you, because it is through this poverty that I enter His Kingdom. I cannot enter His Kingdom as a good man or woman, I can only enter it as a complete pauper.

The true character of the loveliness that tells for God is always unconscious. Conscious influence is priggish and un-Christian. If I say - I wonder if I am of any use - I instantly lose the bloom of the touch of the Lord. "He that believeth in me, out of him shall flow rivers of living water." If I examine the outflow, I lose the touch of the Lord.

Which are the people who have influenced us most? Not the ones who thought they did, but those who had not the remotest notion that they were influencing us. In the Christian life the implicit is never conscious, if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus. We always know when Jesus is at work because He produces in the commonplace something that is inspiring.

from: http://www.myutmost.org/08/0821.html

I feel inspired. I feel relieved. Relieved because this reminds me that Chris and I do not have to worry about the impact of what we do. We feel the burden of that a lot - we question: what are we doing? How is this relevant? What impact are we having? We feel restless and discontent when those thoughts flood us, but Chambers' words remind us that those thoughts are lies - they are meant to discourage us. We needn't be discouraged by this wrong thinking. As we do what we do, it is Christ who brings forth fruit from it. We cannot make anything we do relevant or influential - but He can. I find this truth brings such peace to my restless mind that is constantly questioning me. Christ is so gracious! He made me, and all I have to do is be me and He will take care of the rest. This is a care that I can never fully appreciate, but am overwhelmingly grateful for none-the-less.

Questions and Mountains

2008-07-08T09:36:00.006-06:00

The story of Abraham in the Bible makes me mad. Most of you know that Allie and I are in a time of trying to determine where God is leading, what He is saying, etc. I've been reading the story of Abraham in Genesis 12 and I am feeling that God has left out some important information that I would find very helpful:

1)Who was Abraham and why did God choose him? Was Abraham a God-fearer?
2)How did Abraham hear God? It seems that Abraham would've had to discern His voice some how.
3)How did Abraham KNOW that God's promise of the Promised Land and many descendants was his to claim?

We know that God is leading us somewhere. Like Abraham, Moses, Joshua, we are not sure where He is taking us. It would be nice to have more information. It would be comforting to tangibly see the hand of God giving answer to our questions and frustrations. I suppose that not unlike the men and women of God in Scripture, we must just simply place one foot in front of the other. And I also suppose that when we look back on this chapter of life we will see that God was in fact showing himself to us. I just wish that we could see it now.

On a different note, Allie and I had a great time this last weekend backpacking into the Massive Wilderness Area west of Leadville, CO.

Friday, we backpacked in to the Halfmoon Lakes that sit at 12,400 ft on the west face of Mt. Massive. The freshness of the air and awesomeness of the surrounding peaks was refreshing to say the least. It rained lightly Friday night as we slept soundly.

On Saturday, we climbed the west face of Massive. It is important to note that a trail does not exist on the that side of the mountain. Rather than backtrack to the trailhead to go up the north ridge, we just went straight up. Having tackled several "14ers" I have decided that this was the most difficult and intense way to go. For two-and-a-half hours we scrambled up loose shale and expansive boulder fields. There is still a significant amount of snow on the mountain too, so we had some exciting moments picking our way through slushy snowslopes and couloirs. But we made it!

Allie was unstoppable as she conquered her first "14er." The air was thin and storms were approaching, but we reveled in the incredible feeling of being on top of the world (or at least the Rocky Mountains. In the Rockies, only Mt. Elbert bests Mt. Massive in height by 3 feet). Having drank most of our water and feeling winded by the lack of oxygen at 14,434 ft, we started our decent.

Observing storms building around us, we decided to make a quicker decent than what the trail would allow. So, we turned off the trail to take a more direct route to our camp. About 1,000 vertical feet from our camp, we were confronted by an almost sheer wall of loose granite. Tired and worried about the building storm, we both began praying that God would help us get off this dang mountain. Cursing the rocks that kept sliding beneath our feet, we helped each other navigate the endless maze of shifting rock. Finally, we made it to the bottom breathless, bruised, bleeding, and thankful that we were back on level ground. As we caught our breath, the thunder rolled around us and we began the final mile to the safety of our tent. We used every last ounce of energy jogging up the slope to our camp site and made it just as the waves of rain and hail fell around us.

Sunday, we reluctantly pulled ourselves out of our bags, aching and limping (ok, I was limping, stupid sprained ankle). We lifted our packs back onto our backs and started the 10 mile trek back to the car. That green Saturn never looked so comforting before.

Allie's thoughts on our confusion, doubt, frustration . . .

2008-06-24T13:40:00.006-06:00

So Chris and I find ourselves in this weird, almost surreal place right now. We kind of know what we want for our life together in terms of the big picture - to live in Vermont, be a light in an area that largely does not know Christ, have stable jobs with decent pay, benefits and V/T, both work part-time or have summers off (Chris full time when our kids are young), have some kids together, adopt some kids, spend some time overseas doing missions, live debt free, help youth overcome the myths / misinformation that they are bombarded with. These things we know. But the how in terms of what we will do for work to achieve these ends remains a big mystery to us.

Over the almost 9 months that we have been married, we have both moved away from what we call ministry work - not just in a church setting, but in a non-profit setting as well. The kinds of jobs where your work blurs easily into your life outside of work because of the emotional burden that the stuff you see puts on you. These jobs have become un-appealing. Chris' time at The Gathering and Family Life Services have mainly been the cause of our current feelings about this line of work. They have left us mixed up. Chris has the skills/talent for youth work, this is clear, but youth work in a church is not conducive to married life, and his work with the youth at Family Life Services is very hard to leave at work because, well, Chris can feel. Also, in both settings, we could never give enough - they always demanded more and more of us. We had the idea at one point for him to go for a Masters/Ph.D in Social Work so that he could work with the Foster Care system in a more impactful way (we felt a nudging about this), but now are doubting that that would be emotionally sustainable. I still see such a huge desire in him to impact youth, specifically boys. The need is so great right now though, that we cannot figure out how to be involved in change in this area without it sucking the life out of us.

I feel like we are on an island together with a "life raft" (our skills & talents) at our disposal to help people. Each time Chris and I venture off the island in our life raft to bring these talents to those who need them, we are sucked dry so quickly that we end up back on the island - confused about what to do, feeling like we were wrong in our timing. It exasperates us that we go out there trying to help people, but there are so many desperate, needy, drowning people that in trying to help them, they nearly capsize our raft every time. We feel like God has made our strengths very clear to us, but cannot find clarity in how to use them, when to use them, or for what end. For both of us, in whatever we do, we desire to bring Christ to the people we interact with. We are leaning towards finding "normal jobs" that don't suck us dry emotionally so that we have some energy left after earning some money to connect Christ with people in our lives. But for both of us, trying to think of what we will do for "normal" non-people helping/ministry oriented jobs is like trying to run up a waterfall. Everything in us pushes us to help people. Chris' name means "Follower of Christ," and mine means "Helper of Mankind." God did not bring us together by accident. We feel we have been comissioned by God to do something specific with our combination of talents, but what the heck is it?

Now 8 Months & Counting!

2008-05-29T15:59:00.013-06:00

Last time we posted, it was at our 7-month anniversary. What have we been doing for a month? Well, we've been wrapping things up at The Gathering Chrurch - Chris had his last Fearless small group last Wednesday night, we had our last Sunday serving as the interum leaders for the Middle School group and this Saturday will be our last youth event with the Middle School Group. So this month had lots of lasts. I know Chris will really miss these guys. I thank the Lord for giving us such sweet closure to our years of serving them.

We also took our house off the market at the beginning of the month and spent the month doing the whole HGTV-like staging thing on the inside and lots of landscaping on the outside. The landscaping would have been more fun if it wasn't warm all week, then cold & windy each weekend that we set aside to do the work! The inside is now a lot less personal. We are struggling with that a bit because we still have to live in the house for an indefinite amount of time and we are tired of taking our pictures down and not getting to have our sweet memories around us. We will hopefully be putting the house back on the market soon. It is hard not to be discouraged, but we still see that the Lord is calling us to Boston, so our house will sell in His timing. We are doing what we can and leaving the rest in His hands.

In the meantime, we will be camping on the weekends this summer to give us some much needed rest and time away from our ever-demanding jobs. They take a lot out of us during the week, so it will be nice to have our weekends back to dedicate to renewal & restoration of our tired bodies & spirits! This is one of our favorite places that we'll be backpacking to =)

7 Months and Counting

2008-05-06T10:25:00.007-06:00

Whew! It is amazing how fast time flies. It does not seem like one-plus year since I asked Allie to marry me, Easter of 2007. Since then, we have both matured personally and learned so much about God, how He's made us, and where He's leading us. It is pretty cool, really, to look back and be totally convinced that we could not have come up with such a crazy adventure, not even in our most creative of moments.
Here is a recap of what has happened this last year and where we feel that God is taking us:

April 8, 2007: Allie and I are engaged to be married!!
April 24, 2007: I start working at Family Life Services.
August 14-21, 2007: We visit Boston and I get to experience the Northeast for the first time (Allie's home). Allie also starts working at Flooring America in early August.
September 29, 2007: Allie and I are married!! We could not have asked for more support and a better start to our lives together. God is so good.
September 30-October 15, 2007: We honeymoon in Vermont and fall in love with this part of the country. God plants seeds of desire in our hearts to move there one day.
October 15-May 6, 2008: Allie and I grow to love each other more each day. We experience the faithfulness of God in the hard times; we continue to learn that He has a crazy plan for us, and we both become convinced that we are compelled to come alongside hurting people.
One of those hurting people is pictured to the left. This young man and his younger brother are in the midst of grieving the loss of their father, who took his own life two weeks ago. Allie and I have known them for a couple years; it has been difficult to hear the questions and see the hurt in their eyes and not know quite what to say. But we are both confident that it is not our job heal the hurt these boys are feeling. God heals people. I suppose it is our job to love these boys and be "Jesus with clothes on" for them. If you remember, please pray for those two young men.

Whatever the future holds, Allie and I both know that it will be better than anything we could have planned. Along with plans to move to the Boston area, we are thinking about graduate school options. It seems like a lot right now, but that is because we are in the midst of it all. Thankfully, we are following a God who doesn't say "uh-oh."

Oh, and read Psalm 37. It's a good one.

Stupid Quarter-Life Crisis

2008-04-10T09:18:00.003-06:00

I've heard of it and even scoffed at it, thinking that I was beyond the reaches of something so dramatic. "Quarter Life Crisis" sounds like something counselors made up to diagnose people who don't fit in any other category...but still have a problem. Well, that's me now.

I've recently been frustrated with where I am, what I'm doing, and what the future holds (whatever it is). There have recently been a lot of changes for Allie and me; I'm tired of change. From selling one of our cars, to attempting a move to Vermont, there are so many unknowns and so many cases of "I don't know!" that I'm wondering what God is doing. Nobody told me that this stage of life would be so hard.

Allie and I are committed to following God wherever He leads. We both have a desire to use generosity to those around us to exhibit God's grace and love towards all of us (call it evangelism if you want). We are committed to getting out of debt and ridding ourselves of stuff. We want to be free to do what the early church practiced so practically and the current church is so far from – uninhibited generosity. Not simple tithing, but generous open-handed giving.

So pile all of what my crazy head is dealing with right now – wishing I was out of my twenties – and Allie's and my desire to not settle for mediocre spirituality, and I feel a little like what that picture above looks like.

And I thought I was done with struggles of the adolescent.

Change

2008-04-02T13:45:00.003-06:00

I like and I don't like change, if that makes any sense.

I like it because it gives me hope, life is not stale, stagnant, there is something new and exciting on the horizon. But . . . the 'something new and exciting' also causes anxiety and is part of the reason why I don't like change. I listen to the Lord's nudgings, I act, but then I end up with this feeling of uncertainty when I am in the middle of the change. You know the place where you have let go of the old thing, but have not yet seen the new thing? That place is scary for me. Yet, that is the place God calls us to again and again. That is right where he wants us. That is so God. He asks us to take steps, make changes and let go before he unvails the new (I remember the character "Much Afraid" in Hannah Hurnard's allegorical story, Hinds Feet on High Places).

So I am in that place now. Chris and I are in that place. We are slowly letting go of Colorado Springs and the things here - we will end our time with The Gathering youth this June, we sold Chris' jeep yesterday, we put our house on the market last week, and so on. God has called us to somewhere else, to do something else. We know the place - Vermont, but not the thing. This change is exciting because we both love Vermont and see the potential for loving on people there, but is is also hard to not know what we are moving to. I suspect that as we continue to let go here, things will become clearer about there. I hope. In the meantime, it is hard to be in-between.

I do have a future

2008-03-24T15:40:00.002-06:00

If I could go anywhere, do anything, how would I push forward into that great dream? Hmm. That question has been gnawing at me for the last several months. I have no desire to trudge forward in relative frustration constantly wondering what it would be like. I have been injected with this idea that anything is possible. This “land of opportunity” where I live has everyone thinking that all it takes is some hard work, perseverance, and some good luck in order to achieve that ever elusive dream that haunts all of us who desire more. Is it true? Is there really and truly a moment in life when everything starts mysteriously falling together? If so, it feels like it’s a long way off.

I feel trapped by this idea of opportunistic advancement towards some ethereal and idealistic hope. I bought a home several years ago convinced that it was the “next step.” Now I’m trying to sell the darned thing because it is seemingly standing in the way of the “next step.” Foolish? Perhaps. But I suppose that I cannot be overly consumed with where the past has brought me. It has brought me here with a purpose. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see this “next step” without having attempted the previous move? Mere speculation I suppose. But how can I believe that this next step is really a step forward and not some cowardly, retreating move brought on by challenging circumstance? If only I could see 10 years down the road. That would be helpful.

Would I make the same decisions if I could see into the future? Well, I have to guess that I wouldn’t. I would want to get to the ultimate destination much faster, so I would make choices to fast-track myself. When I look into my past, I know that I would not have done somethings or gone some places if I’d known where I would be sitting ten years in the future. I wouldn’t have gone to that school. I would have spent more time learning about rather than . So I guess the next question I have to ask myself is: do I like where I am? Am I pleased with where I am currently sitting on this road we call life? Honestly? Yes, emphatically. I have a gorgeous wife who loves me. I have a job that pays the bills. I have people all around me who encourage me and believe in me. I have an education (whatever that’s worth, hehe). I have a God who is right there beside me; I know that full well.

So, who am I to say that I know better? Who am I to say that this “next step” is not a move forward? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But that is not the point. The point is, am I living where I am? Am I focusing on the moment, allowing my heart and mind to delve into all that is “now?” If not, I suppose that I will become so preoccupied with the “then” that I will have skipped right passed the cool stuff that has been placed in the road, stuff that I should be picking up and placing in my bag for use further down the road.

I think our “land of opportunity” idea has it wrong. We do not achieve our dreams by more work, more persistence, and “better luck next time.” We reach our truest dreams when we revel in the moment, soak in the joy of today, and expectantly look toward tomorrow with full confidence.

I do have a future.

Thinking about Thinking about Thinking

2008-03-07T10:46:00.004-07:00

I recently found a new book that I like. And that is significant due to the fact that I do not submit my mind to reading crap. Bookstores are filled with books promising "Seven Steps to 30 Minute Abs!" and books that were simply published because it is hip to write a book. But I found a gem of book.

If you know me, you know that I think a lot. In fact, there is rarely a moment when my mind is not contemplating something. But I've often felt that my thinking is futile. It hasn't let to anything constructive and I find it difficult to discuss my thinking with others; the words just don't fit with what's going on upstairs. When I read this odd little book, my mind immediately grabbed hold of this new way of thinking. I'm not going to reveal Don Everts message here, so go pick up the book. It's only $7.

Just not right . . .

2008-03-06T15:58:00.003-07:00

I am having one of those days where things are just not right. I can't quite pin what it is. I feel melancholy, but can not seem to put concrete words behind that feeling. I can only say that I have this feeling that things are just not what they are supposed to be and I feel caught in the middle of it. Confused? So am I. It is hard to explain. It is just that I am looking at my life and the things around me and the situations I am interacting with and well, it just doesn't feel 'good' to be in the midst of it all right now. I don't know exactly why. Can anyone relate? Does anyone else have days like this? Days of undefined "yuckiness" - where you know things aren't right, but feel powerless to make them so? Maybe it's just me. ?

Thoughts on Time and "God's Will"

2008-03-03T16:59:00.005-07:00

I was reading a blog from a friend of mine, Ryan (http://ryanhewitt.wordpress.com/), earlier today on "Time." (Check out his blog, it is pretty cool!) Anyway, it got me thinking about time myself, and how we (Americans) use it to accomplish things (mostly through work), things that don't really matter for anything. We run and run and run to nowhere - like a hampster in a wheel. I think that there are few people who die and actually leave a legacy, a mark, something that is bigger than themselves and their own enjoyment/fulfillment. That is a sad fact if you think about it. We mistakingly think it (time) is for us and that is just not the case.

I think that we, as Christians, further transfer our misuse/misunderstanding of time onto our perspective of "God's will." Any Christian has heard about this concept, most of us have heard too much. It seems that people take this idea of "God's will" and connect it with their concept of time and their use of it to accomplish things. They forget that God is outside of time and it seems to me that His will for us has nothing to do with what we do in terms of a job to make money. That is just what we have to do to live here. To limit our concept of "God's will" to that of an occupation is to limit God. He does not care about our occupation, He cares about us . . . relationship with us. The way I see it, if we are in relationship with God, then we are in His will. Why then do people make such a big deal about being "in" God's will in terms of what they will do? I only see one reason - they are insecure in their relationship with God and the fact that that is enough. If they did nothing else here on earth, He would still say "Well done," because He got what He wanted - them.

As my church has been reading through Galatians - Paul's cry to the early church against adding a "to do" list if you will to salvation and the Grace of Jesus Christ - I have been realizing that we are not so very different. It shows up in people's limited view of being in/out of God's will. They simply cannot accept that there is nothing else they have to do in terms of being right with God. Salvation is not: believe in Christ AND DO, do, do "for" God. No. It is simply to believe and BE in relationship with God. I say, don't worry, He will take care of the rest. We don't serve a God who "needs" us, but we do live in a world full of people who need to know Him. I don't see that it matters what we do for "tentmaking" to support ourselves and our families, as long as we are sharing the Love that we know and the One who gave us that Love, nothing else matters. That is the legacy I want to leave.

More on Literacy

2008-02-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

So I am still thinking about literacy. Chris and I have been taking steps to gain further knowledge about our bodies, nutrition and finances. But, just when I think I may be starting to grasp some of these things that I deem to be the literacies of adulthood, I am confronted by even more literacies of adulthood that I don't possess. Like cars for example. I just can't seem to gain a working and competent knowledge of cars. There was an incident a few weeks ago where Chris was driving and the oil light came on and he had to add more oil. I thought that some big, catastrophic disaster was about to occur with this car, my first car, only to find out after two hours at the mechanic today that things are just fine and I should get in the habit of checking and topping off my oil in between my 3000 mile oil changes.

Seriously!?!

How did I make it to 27 having never heard of this perfectly normal thing to do.

Sometimes I feel like I encouter situations in my adult life and I get this eerie feeling that I have been living under a rock for a few years and have missed the learning or info on the subject at hand. I come out from under my rock dwelling into a fog of confusion and begin to doubt my compitency to function as an adult. But alas, I realize that I haven't been gone anywhere, I have been right here, struggling through all of the new learning of this phase of life and my confidence is renewed because, hey, I have made it this far after all, I may as well just go a little further. I have heard it said that the twenties are the MOST DIFFICULT time of life in terms of the learning curve being VERY steep. Steep it is indeed. But, I am also certain that it will have been worth all the work, struggling, pondering, questioning and doubting for the strength and courage that it has grown and is growing in me.

Been Thinking...

2008-02-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

I was just getting ready for tonight – I attempt to lead a small group for a bunch of middle school boys. I was just trying to plan out what I am going to teach the guys tonight and I realized that I have a problem. I don't understand what I want to teach. :( Kind of ironic if you think about it.

The question that I've been thinking about and am having a difficult time answering satisfactorily, is the question of "why?" Why am I alive? Now before you lash me with, "You haven't figured that out yet?" do you truly know the answer?

Because asking yourself the question "why" is a haunting task. Not just because of what the answer may be, but because of all that it may imply. I suppose that most fall short of truly asking. They may wonder or pause to think for a moment on why they happen to have the breath we call life, but I'm certain that very few honestly ask, hoping for an answer.

But I am asking. Why do I exist? The answer cannot simply be found in such a circular idea as to perpetuate humanity. I know that I have been designed to serve a great purpose, but there must be a "why" to all that. Why did God so choose to make me?

I can give interesting and compelling answers to the question of purpose, but not to the questioning of why God gave me life? I do not understand. Perhaps I'm not supposed to find a satisfactory answer. Perhaps it's another one of those unattainable mysteries of God.

The 100 Hurts

2008-01-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

The 100 Hurts

I'm sure you've met them. In fact, we all pass them on the side of the street. You may even know their names. You might even be one. I know I am. We are the hurting.

(The following was written by me a couple of days ago. I didn't initially write it to be seen by others, but I hope that some of you out there may be encouraged or helped by what I've been thinking).

I am a compassionate person. God has seen me fit to feel the pain I see in other people's lives. On a daily basis I hear the sorrow in people's voices, the pain in their eyes, and the regret lived out in their day to day lives. The conversations I have with people that have been treated like trash compel me to DO something. I want to fix it all, to make it all better. I end up bearing the pain of a hundred hurts on my back. Is this right? Is this ok?

My job, first and foremost, is twofold: 1) Live to God's glory. 2) Love my wife with all that I am and have. EVERYTHING else comes second. My career comes second. The Bible studies I lead come second. Myspace comes second. Even watching SportCenter comes second. If I have not made the daily choices to honor God, and if I have not done all I can to make sure that Allie feels safe and loved, then nothing else matters.

It is God's job to heal the sick, comfort the hurting, and find the lost. He's been doing it a lot longer than I have and He's a lot better at it than I am. Through Jesus Christ, God bears the pain of millions of hurts on His back and He can actually do something to help them. I can't. True, God may use me to say a kind word or be a quiet ear to listen, but ultimately I can't heal. That's not what I was made to do. I was designed to 1) be loved by God, and 2) defend my family from the crap of the world. It's comforting to know and trust that when I concentrate my efforts, energy, and emotions on those two things, God will see me fit to use me.

Literacy

2008-01-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about literacy lately. Not in the sense of reading literacy, the way the word is traditionally used, but in a broader sense of competency. It all came about when I discovered a website titled: www.360financialliteracy.org It caused me to stop and think: this is a really well titled website. If you think about it, most people can read, but they are financially illiterate. We are not taught in school about finanial management and many of us were not taught by our parents either. OR, what our parents taught us verbally did not match their actions, so the words lost relevance. My parents taught me the basics about savings and credit cards, but I never received any training on the post college life financial management skills. That knowledge has come from frustration, messing up, more frustration, then seeking the knowledge for myself so that I could stay afloat on my own apart from my parents. Why isn't this a college course? They made us take all sorts of other mandatory crap that I haven't used whatsoever, but finances, not even mentioned.

As I think more and more about literacy, I realize that we are illiterate about a lot of necessary things. We were never really taught about our bodies for example. Yes, they covered the basics in sex ed in middle school, but as I have been married, I have realized that there are a ton of things that I don't know or understand about my body that would be useful to know. We aren't really taught well how our male and female bodies function and what they need from us. Nutrition is another category that comes to mind. Again, we are taught the basics, but not really what we need to know. All I can do now is learn it for myself and pass that knowledge on to my kids so that they don't end up in the same boat. It leaves me wondering - what did I learn in school and what was the point? It is a little disconcerting to have spent ages 5 to 23 in school and to be on the other side of it all wondering why I wasn't taught some of the most basic and yet useful life survival things like finances, nutrition, and the deal with the female body. It leaves me feeling like school was a lot of wasted time. After all those years of study, I don't feel more capable to function in the adult world, but less. Does anyone else have this sense?

Explanation . . .

2008-01-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

Some of you may be wondering, why Tootsie Rolls, Snowshoes, and Grace? The Tootsie Rolls came from the back of Chris' jeep. We don't know how long they were there, but we enjoyed eating them over this fall and winter. OK, so that is random.

The Snowshoes and Grace are tied together. Chris and I ended up learning a lot about grace and patience through, well, the process of receiving several pairs of snowshoes as wedding gifts this fall. We received 2-3 of most things we registered for in fact. It seems that when you ask God for something, he doesn't just answer, but he answers in abundance. It seems lavish to us, but in reality it is only a small glimpse of how BIG God's love for us is. It is so big I can't even comprehend it.

Through these four months of being newlyweds, Chris and I have been able to feel the love and grace of God in such tangible ways as Chris finding yet another wedding gift check in the back of his car the other day, or me getting a small bonus at work that helped us break even this month. God is good. He confuses me quite a bit of the time, but he is good. His grace is apparent to us daily and we are certain we could not live without it. It is everything and makes everything we do possible. Pretty cool.

First Random Thoughts

2008-01-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, as the title of this blog suggests, it's going to be a bit random. Life seems to be a bit random, I think. I know that it's not random for God, but it definitely feels haphazard sometimes.

So, that's what this blog will be – the simple ponderings of a life loved by God. I hope that in some way you are encouraged, challenged, or entertained. If you have input, advice, or just want to tell me that I'm crazy, go right ahead.